Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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