Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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