how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
