I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
