So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
