I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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