Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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