girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
