So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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