Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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