I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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