Sry I called you an 8
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
