Don't make out with my wife yet
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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