You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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