The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
