doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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