Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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