I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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