Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
