I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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