The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
