I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
