3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
