i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
