my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
