And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
