so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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