Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
