Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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