worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
