tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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