Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
