Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
