I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
