I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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