is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
