I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
