In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
