alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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