Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
