When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
