I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
