Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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