if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you will always have a special place in my vag
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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