I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
