sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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