he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
