i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
