you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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