I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
