you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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