I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
